I’ve been walking around the past few days ruminating on some ideas, some thoughts that I have been unsure how to put into words. In my experience that means I really need to try anyway. I am, what a previous therapist calls, an “out loud processor.” Whether that be by talking or writing, just the act of “putting it out there'“ usually helps me figure out what’s going on in this crazy brain and heart of mine.
Recently, I decided that the way for me to live my best life, feel the feels I want to feel, do the things I want to do, become the woman I know I am meant to be, (and write the dang book,) I need to go back to the Digital Nomad life.
I am excited. It’s a new beginning, it’s part of my becoming 2.0 (or 10.5 I mean I’ve lived a lot of different lives at this point.) The “new identity” is this next phase of my life. A life I will continue to create intentionally.
It’s also an ending. It’s the ending of the nice life I’ve built here in the US. I came home to the safety of my best friend’s town, home, and love. She helped me rebuild my life after leaving Colombia during the pandemic. I worked to build a nice little life here. I have good friends and a beautiful apartment. All of which I am sad to be leaving.
I can be doing a good thing for myself and be sad at the same time.
One of the things I want in this new phase and life is to have a more companionate romantic relationship. Someone to do things with, run errands, cook dinner, putter around and do nothing.
And at the same time- traveling the world alone, is well, a solo effort. I love being alone. I love my autonomy. I love being independent. But I also would love to have that love.
I can want both things at once.
I am changing the way I do things this time around and I will spend six months in Berlin a year. (Three months on, three months off.) This gives me the chance to continue to love on my friends there and spend time with my partner Stefan and live that “Best Berlin Life”. It is where I will most likely find people to be romantically involved with who are also polyamorous and sex-positive.
Regardless of where I am, any one I will be in relationship with will respect my autonomy and appreciate my traveling, maybe join me sometimes, or just be there when I get back. And that is exactly what I want.
Am I setting myself up for disappointment?
I believe in abundant love, but my brain sometimes wonders, if I want all these things, am I going to be able to find someone who is polyamorous and also going to love my traveling adventurous particularly independent and autonomous self?
I will. I have to believe that.
I can hold the fear and old energy of “I am too much” in one hand and know that’s how I’ve felt in the past and sometimes I still feel. But my new energy, this 2.0 identify, this woman who is working through her trauma and knows how to find safety in her nervous system knows that I can call in a perfectly aligned love, (or three.)
I expect to meet people who will meet me where I am at. They will love my independent spirit. Respect my autonomy. Treasure the time we get to spend together. Live their own lives to the fullest. Keep promises made. Explore new things. Honor their own boundaries and mine. AND be perfectly content with me living my life and knowing it is not conventional, but it fulfills me.
Both things can be true. I can be nervous. I can believe. I can worry that I’m too much and know that I never have been and never will be less than perfectly me. The more I orient to the new me, the woman who gets what she wants, who feels satisfied by life, who escapes the conventional, the more I have confidence that I will get everything I want.
Love on my terms. Living my best life. Traveling the world.
Love this! Look forward to following along here. Xx